4.21.2011

Life.

If you don't want to hear me talking about myself, stop now.
And by hear, I mean read.


I'm sitting in the hallway again. Just like I was on April 11th.
Only this time, it's not even two a.m.
And I don't have food.
But, much like last time, I'm just going to be spewing off my thoughts as I think them.

I'm in the hall because Becca is trying to sleep, and I don't want to wake her. She's been really tired today.
Before she went to sleep, she asked me if I'm okay with everything. She didn't have to specify what 'everything' was. I know exactly what she's talking about.
And, the honest answer is, I don't know.

Some days are great. Some days aren't. That's normal, isn't it?

It's just that there are moments that can turn my whole day around and can make an awesome day feel like it was thoroughly awful.
Like when I'm alone in my room, doing whatever, perfectly content with life. I see one of my friends at my door, and my day brightens.
Then, they ask where Becca is.
Because they didn't come to see me.
And that kind of hurts sometimes.

I don't blame them, though. I love Becca. She's the kind of person who is friends with everyone. She's talented like that. I'm proud to be her roommate.

I just feel like a convenience, that's all. The convenient friend. No one really thinks of me as a best friend, or a Number One, or a special somebody. I've gotten used to it over the years, but now that I actually live with my best friends, this realization kind of blows.
No, this is not a pity party. At all.

You know what else blows?
I can't feel the spirit. That scares me.
I used to feel it so strongly. Not every second, but enough to let me know that He is there.
I don't feel it anymore. Now I just feel lost. Confused, scared, stressed, sad. I don't know what to do.
Maybe I feel these things because I haven't slept more than fifteen hours this whole week. If that.

I'm going to miss these people so, so much. I don't think any of them realize how much they all really mean to me.

And as for what my best friends are worried about, with what I'm going through and how unhealthy I've been, I'm sorry. I don't do it for attention. I don't do it so someone will help me. I don't do it. It just is. I don't know how else to explain it. Unless you've been there and felt all these things, you'll never fully understand.
I hope none of you are ever going to experience it.
In my mind, I know what I'm doing isn't right. But that doesn't seem to make a difference.
Because it just takes over, and I can't stop it.
So I can't promise you that use more of my meals, or that I'll go to less FFF classes.
But I can promise you that I'll try.

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