I'd like you all to know how much I love and appreciate you. I am aware that I am likely speaking to a probable total of six readers, but those six readers are the best. I really take things in life for granted sometimes - friendships, family, opportunities, privileges, and often life in general. I miss the friendships that I once had but have now been put on hold, for any reason at all. While dining out with a friend yesterday afternoon, I began to speculate about how, unwillingly and almost automatically, I push away from someone once they know a lot about me. This has always been a downfall of mine, because I'm dying inside sometimes just to talk to someone about what I'm feeling, but as soon as I do, it's like I can't stand to know that someone knows my secrets.
As you all know, Kira Horton is one of my best friends. This same thing happened between us our spring semester of college. As soon as I came clean to her about everything behind my eating disorder(which I'm not trying to keep a secret anymore), she was genuinely concerned for my health and safety. I felt so loved, and yet almost immediately after I told her, I felt like she knew too much. So I pushed away and we lost touch for a while. But, now we're back together, and we will always be besties without testies.
I also think I'd like to share with everyone a bit of what I've been going through for the past four years now. I don't know if I'll regret this, so may as well get it out while I'm feeling brave. While I was a sophomore-turning-junior in high school, I developed an eating disorder. I went from a size 9 pants to size 3, from 156 pounds to 126 pounds within a few months. I lost most of my hair, a lot of my memory, and wreaked havoc on my body. Looking back now, I know that the causes should have been obvious: attention from my parents, thinking they'd notice and want to help; control over the one thing in life I had any say in; having my own huge secret; wanting to feel powerful. And eventually, it became part of my life, a habit, a mindset. There hasn't been a day that's gone by when I don't think about this in some way or another. There's never a time when I'm not still suffering from the consequences of my actions. After being so malnourished, my memory has taken a huge hit. I barely remember names, let alone faces, of people I met merely fifteen minutes ago. My fingers, toes, nose and lips turn purple from randomly being cold. I have to lean against a wall to keep from passing out if I go more than an hour without eating or drinking. This is always on my mind...always. It will never leave me alone, never go away.
For four years, I've dealt with this alone. No therapy. No rehab. Nothing. I lost some of the greatest friendships anyone has ever had because of this disorder, and that was the worst heartbreak I've ever felt. I never got the help from my family that I wanted. One parent claims they noticed everything, knew exactly what was happening the whole time, yet I didn't get any help. Another parent was only recently told about everything this summer, and still, no help offered. Another parent still has no idea. I can't decide which has felt worse: the fact that someone knew and didn't bother to help, or the fact that someone didn't bother to notice.
Going through this alone has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Ever. I still carry resentment toward myself, the friends who abandoned me, and the family who wasn't there. Although it's made me stronger to rely on myself, it's also made it so hard to trust people, even my best friends, the people I love most. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
I didn't write this for sympathy, or for attention, or as a cry for help. I'm just tired of keeping this a secret, and I'm hoping that by letting it out in the open, I'll be able to better overcome the parts of if that still block my path. I only hope that you're all there for me, without judgement or pity, and that you all know that I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't a friend to me. I sincerely love every one of my friends. The redheads, the ukulele player, the english major/hawaiian dancer, the snorter, the hannah montana lover in wisconstin, and everyone in between.
I'll be there for anyone who needs it, especially if you're going through what I am. Whether you're a friend or a stranger who just happened upon my blog, you don't have to go through anything alone.