Mackenzie Clyde

The first time we met was at Soar. Remember, we were in the same group? We sat next to each other in the little circle, but we didn't really talk to each other. In fact, I forgot about it until the next time I met you, when you were sitting on Becca's bed one of the first days of first semester. I don't remember if I brought it up right away, but we eventually talked about how we were in Soar together. I remember thinking that you, Becca, and Kira all came here together, because you all seemed like you'd been friends for years. That's why I was so surprised to find out that you had just met Becca earlier that day.

Anyway.

I am so glad we became friends, Kenz. You're such a great person. You always tell the truth, no matter what. You care so much about your friends. You're welcoming and friendly, and you're always willing to listen. I'm so thankful for our friendship.

I wish you would be more willing to experience life, and to have fun and do things you'll only get to do once. Life goes by so fast, and I may be wrong, but I feel like you haven't done as many awesome things as you can. Sometimes, making late night trips to Betos or Walmart really can be more fun than watching One Tree Hill! :)

I hope you know how much I love you. I'm glad we are going to be living in the same apartment complex next year, because I don't plan on ending our friendship anytime soon! You've helped me become a better person in so many ways.

And for that, you will forever be in my heart.

Eleven Days.

There are eleven days left until our first year of college is over. It's kind of a surreal feeling, and I don't know how I feel about it. I don't mind school and classes and homework being over, but I don't want everything else to end. I don't want to end our daily trips to Walmart, or the nights we make muddy buddies. I don't want the sleepovers to end. I don't want the deep conversations and The Question Game to end.
And I definitely do not want to be separated from my friends.
I have made the greatest friends this year. They have all changed my life.
And for these last eleven days, I am going to spotlight the eleven that have made the biggest impact on me.
The eleven that I will remember forever.
I love you guys.

Life.

If you don't want to hear me talking about myself, stop now.

And by hear, I mean read.

I'm sitting in the hallway again. Just like I was on April 11th.
Only this time, it's not even two a.m.
And I don't have food.
But, much like last time, I'm just going to be spewing off my thoughts as I think them.

I'm in the hall because Becca is trying to sleep, and I don't want to wake her. She's been really tired today.
Before she went to sleep, she asked me if I'm okay with everything. She didn't have to specify what 'everything' was. I know exactly what she's talking about.
And, the honest answer is, I don't know.

Some days are great. Some days aren't. That's normal, isn't it?

It's just that there are moments that can turn my whole day around and can make an awesome day feel like it was thoroughly awful.
Like when I'm alone in my room, doing whatever, perfectly content with life. I see one of my friends at my door, and my day brightens.
Then, they ask where Becca is.
Because they didn't come to see me.
And that kind of hurts sometimes.

I don't blame them, though. I love Becca. She's the kind of person who is friends with everyone. She's talented like that. I'm proud to be her roommate.

I just feel like a convenience, that's all. The convenient friend. No one really thinks of me as a best friend, or a Number One, or a special somebody. I've gotten used to it over the years, but now that I actually live with my best friends, this realization kind of blows.
No, this is not a pity party. At all.

You know what else blows?
I can't feel the spirit. That scares me.
I used to feel it so strongly. Not every second, but enough to let me know that He is there.
I don't feel it anymore. Now I just feel lost. Confused, scared, stressed, sad. I don't know what to do.
Maybe I feel these things because I haven't slept more than fifteen hours this whole week. If that.

I'm going to miss these people so, so much. I don't think any of them realize how much they all really mean to me.

And as for what my best friends are worried about, with what I'm going through and how unhealthy I've been, I'm sorry. I don't do it for attention. I don't do it so someone will help me. I don't do it. It just is. I don't know how else to explain it. Unless you've been there and felt all these things, you'll never fully understand.
I hope none of you are ever going to experience it.
In my mind, I know what I'm doing isn't right. But that doesn't seem to make a difference.
Because it just takes over, and I can't stop it.
So I can't promise you that use more of my meals, or that I'll go to less FFF classes.
But I can promise you that I'll try.

Today's as great as chocolate cake.

You know what I love? Writing letters. That's what I thought about today instead of paying attention in class.
I also thought about sleeping, but that's beside the point.
I decided that I want a pen pal. A permanent one that I can write for the rest of my life.
You'll never guess who I came up with.
Just guess.
No, really, guess.
..............
My sister. Ha! Isn't that the most original thing you've ever heard? No? Fine.
I'm pretty pleased with my idea. I actually just sent my first letter to her.
So there.

You know what else I love? Brushing my teeth. I do it all the time, and that's probably not a good thing.
I basically have a sort of ritual when it comes to this activity. While I'm brushing, I make my bed. Or I check my facebook. Or I walk around. Then, when I'm done, I drink some water. Putting on chapstick comes afterward.
Yes, that is my routine. I repeat it several times a day.

I also love the fact that it's getting warmer outside. I was sick of all that snow.

I love my friends as well. All of them. Every single one.
In fact, I want to spotlight one of them, just because.
Arianna Larkin. If you have not met her and become friends with her, you will never die happy. Honestly, she is one of the greatest people I have ever met. She's nice to everyone. Literally. And she is always happy, and always wants to do fun things. I can't help but smile and be happy when I'm around her. It's a bummer we didn't become good friends until this semester, because I definitely would have loved being friends with her last semester. I'm so glad we're friends. I don't think she knows how thankful I am for her.

Last but not least, I love music. I just found a song I used to love, love, love.

21 minutes left of quiet hours.

It's just after five in the morning. I got home from watching a movie with my dear friend Tom about twenty minutes ago.
Yes, that is how I live my college student life. By starting a movie at two thirty in the morning.
I'm dead tired. Flat out exhausted. But instead of going to sleep, you know what I'm doing?
I am sitting in the hallway, eating the remnants of cookie dough ice cream and cream cheese frosting. Blogging.

Yes, that is my crazy lady hair.
Why do I have this delicious, non-nutritious, sugar overloaded food, you ask?
Because I made birthday dinner for Katie and Whitni. I also made cake.
Right when I got back home to Logan, I went to the basement and started cooking. Honestly, I loved it. Not because I particularly love cooking, but because I love doing things like that for people that I love.
But don't get me wrong, I love to cook.
I had a whole bunch of supplies and food and cook books that my parents gave to me for this occasion before I left.
Why was I with my parents, you ask?
Because I went home Saturday afternoon. Not dad-home, but mom-home. That's 260 miles away. Which really isn't bad, now that I'm typing it.
I went home not only because I miss my family like crazy, but because my beautiful niece was getting blessed in the LDS church. My church. It was so great.

There is no baby as beautiful as Berkleigh.
Sacrament meeting was actually rather humorous. When the bishop announced the blessing of Berkleigh, I was the one holding her, and she has my middle name, so everyone assumed she was my child. Okay, just the old people who didn't really know anything about us.
But really, do I look like I just had a baby? Thanks, old lady who congratulated me on my beautiful child. Your gray hair looks real snazzy.
Even though I was at my mom's for less than 24 hours, it was just what I needed. I loved being with all of my sisters.

It may be blurry, but that's us. Pretty much insane, but not clinically. Yet.
It was also pretty entertaining to have my three year old cousin test her photography skills using people's phones. She had some pretty unique ideas when it came to posing. I was perfectly happy to play along.

I was pretty much exhausted the whole time I was there.
WHY, YOU ASK?
Because I stayed up until five thirty the previous night talking to Tom.
Well, listening to Tom talk.
We all built a fort in the basement Friday night after Zombie Prom, which was actually really fun. I think the fact that we were dressed up like Zombies contributed to the fun factor a LOT.
All in all, a really great weekend.
Maybe sometime in the next couple years I'll catch up on all my lost sleep.
But first, I have got to stop eating ice cream and frosting at five in the morning.

Burn.

In all my life, I have never been filled with such strong feelings of hate and disgust toward a person. I'm not one to have any negative feelings toward people, let alone strong ones. But sometimes, there are people who are scum. There are people who are nothing more than the dirty, chewed-up gum that you scrape off of your shoe. There are people who, when you thought have crossed every line you imagined there was, they cross the lowest one of all. This kind of person is nothing but nothing. This person is the kind of person you hope gets everything that's coming to them, and more. This is the kind of person that I hate. That I despise. That I loathe. That I am completely disgusted with. There is no one on the planet that is lower or more pathetic than this person.
Nikholas Ledger, I hope this finds you.
And I hope you get what you deserve.

I prayed, and then I stumbled.

I'm envious of the people who can be themselves, who know who they are, and are completely sure of it. I always have been. I want to be like that, but somehow, I just can't.
So, I prayed for the strength to be that way.
Then I directed myself to stumble.
And I found this.

“Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as heck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want?”

I don't know who said that, but they are bloody brilliant.
Who would have thought that stumbleupon answers prayers?