Kony 2012

I don't know how to express how important this is. Yes, everyone is shoving this video in your face, but it's for a reason. If you haven't watched it, now's the time. You have 30 minutes. Trust me - it's worth your time, and then you'll join the cause too. Please. If, for nothing else, do it so your kids will be proud of the world we live in, and proud that you were a part of making it better.

Share it.

Corrections.

When I said I went through it all completely alone, I really just meant family-wise. Until I went to college, none of my friends were there for me, either. But I realize now (I have for a while) that I had ample amounts of love and support from everyone who knew. Becca was there for me, and always tried to help, as was Kenzie. Kira listened to every word, made sure I ate enough, and did everything she could to help me get better. Katie, Ari, and Whit never once judged me or looked at me differently, and that's a huge way of helping. So I really have had a large support system, filled with friends who love me. You all are such an important part of this experience, and I had to let you all know.
Thanks. I love you guys.

Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas.

Thursdays, amirite?

I'd like you all to know how much I love and appreciate you. I am aware that I am likely speaking to a probable total of six readers, but those six readers are the best. I really take things in life for granted sometimes - friendships, family, opportunities, privileges, and often life in general. I miss the friendships that I once had but have now been put on hold, for any reason at all. While dining out with a friend yesterday afternoon, I began to speculate about how, unwillingly and almost automatically, I push away from someone once they know a lot about me. This has always been a downfall of mine, because I'm dying inside sometimes just to talk to someone about what I'm feeling, but as soon as I do, it's like I can't stand to know that someone knows my secrets.

As you all know, Kira Horton is one of my best friends. This same thing happened between us our spring semester of college. As soon as I came clean to her about everything behind my eating disorder(which I'm not trying to keep a secret anymore), she was genuinely concerned for my health and safety. I felt so loved, and yet  almost immediately after I told her, I felt like she knew too much. So I pushed away and we lost touch for a while. But, now we're back together, and we will always be besties without testies.

I also think I'd like to share with everyone a bit of what I've been going through for the past four years now. I don't know if I'll regret this, so may as well get it out while I'm feeling brave. While I was a sophomore-turning-junior in high school, I developed an eating disorder. I went from a size 9 pants to size 3, from 156 pounds to 126 pounds within a few months. I lost most of my hair, a lot of my memory, and wreaked havoc on my body. Looking back now, I know that the causes should have been obvious: attention from my parents, thinking they'd notice and want to help; control over the one thing in life I had any say in; having my own huge secret; wanting to feel powerful. And eventually, it became part of my life, a habit, a mindset. There hasn't been a day that's gone by when I don't think about this in some way or another. There's never a time when I'm not still suffering from the consequences of my actions. After being so malnourished, my memory has taken a huge hit. I barely remember names, let alone faces, of people I met merely fifteen minutes ago. My fingers, toes, nose and lips turn purple from randomly being cold. I have to lean against a wall to keep from passing out if I go more than an hour without eating or drinking. This is always on my mind...always. It will never leave me alone, never go away.
For four years, I've dealt with this alone. No therapy. No rehab. Nothing. I lost some of the greatest friendships anyone has ever had because of this disorder, and that was the worst heartbreak I've ever felt. I never got the help from my family that I wanted. One parent claims they noticed everything, knew exactly what was happening the whole time, yet I didn't get any help. Another parent was only recently told about everything this summer, and still, no help offered. Another parent still has no idea. I can't decide which has felt worse: the fact that someone knew and didn't bother to help, or the fact that someone didn't bother to notice.
Going through this alone has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Ever. I still carry resentment toward myself, the friends who abandoned me, and the family who wasn't there. Although it's made me stronger to rely on myself, it's also made it so hard to trust people, even my best friends, the people I love most. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I didn't write this for sympathy, or for attention, or as a cry for help. I'm just tired of keeping this a secret, and I'm hoping that by letting it out in the open, I'll be able to better overcome the parts of if that still block my path. I only hope that you're all there for me, without judgement or pity, and that you all know that I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't a friend to me. I sincerely love every one of my friends. The redheads, the ukulele player, the english major/hawaiian dancer, the snorter, the hannah montana lover in wisconstin, and everyone in between.
I'll be there for anyone who needs it, especially if you're going through what I am. Whether you're a friend or a stranger who just happened upon my blog, you don't have to go through anything alone.

The more you know...

The more you Kohl's.
I hate Kohl's. I work there from six to midnight. More like 12:45 A.M.
It's helped me discover that I am far from a night person. I turn into the grinch once the clock strikes 10.
But! On the upside? I leave for China next month. Finally. It's so close!

Pumpkins.

So I got myself an iPhone. I feel so legit.

According to status updates, today is Thanksgiving. So, in honor of this delicious holiday, I'm going to conform and tell you all what I'm thankful for, because you're obviously all wondering. Right?

1. I've got a family who loves me, even though I tend to eat all of their pumpkin pie.

2. My grandma is donating six hundred dollars to my volunteer trip to China. I almost cried when I found out.

3. I have two jobs that I like. Most of the time.

4. My stepdad laughs at all my jokes. Probably because we have the same nasty sense of humor.

5. Pumpkin anything.

6. Christmas music.

7. Sweaters from the 70's.

8. Frank. He's the best car ever.

9. I have an aunt and a 5-year-old cousin who live in South Jordan, and I'm always welcome there. Except for when they're gone.

10. Twilight movies. Shut up.

11. Medicine that cures colds.

12. I somehow inherited my stepdad's dimples. I've no idea how.

13. Guys, I have the cutest niece. Just saying.

14. I've discovered that I'm pretty talented when it comes to painting nails.

15. Oh, my friends, they all make me so happy. I love them all.

16. Get this - my grandma. You know, the one I always refer to as evil? Turns out she's not evil. She's actually kind of great.

17. I love having short hair. Sometimes I'll miss being able to curl it or braid it, but overall, I'm so glad I cut it. Makes me feel like I stand out.

18. I've had my dog for nearly eleven years now, and she's still my little baby.

19. I'm alive.

"Having a rough morning? Place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That's called purpose. You're alive for a reason. Don't give up."

Don't fall off the couch, you crazy baby.

Sometimes, I look forward to having kids, solely for the reason of believing that I can raise kids much better than some people who actually have kids.
Even people to whom I am related.

There are days.

Sometimes...
I think I'm going insane.


On a completely unrelated note, I miss this guy.

Earful.

All I want right now is a puppy.
I have no place to keep it, no money to buy it food, and no time in my immediate future to raise it.
But I still want one.
.......
This one.

And I'm going to name him Scooter.

Medications.

They cause me to make hasty decisions that occupy the foremost part of my mind until I pass out. Or until someone causes me to reconsider my random change of lifestyle.
For example, dreadlocks.
I still think they'd be pretty awesome, not going to lie. But, in hindsight, I'd probably look like an idiot.
But alas, I am still feeling the side effects of these painkillers, so I still want them.

Sometimes..

..I take pain medication when my back hurts worse than usual. It used to help me sleep. Obviously, that side effect has worn off, seeing as how it's five in the morning.
..I read two books in five days. In this case, the 630 page book was read in three days, the 290 page book in two. I feel like my old self. Which is freaking legit.
..I see a best friend after seeing none of her over the summer, and I realize that I never lost her. She's still mine. (But I can share.)
..I think about how things have changed over the summer. I've matured as much as an almost-twenty year old can mature. I've lived away from my parents for a year now, and I wish it's been longer. I could not have asked for a better set of roommates than the ones I have. They love me regardless of my flaws. They're my family.
..I become best friends with someone I should have been best friends with a year ago. It's one of the greatest friendships I've ever had, and I know it will last a very long time.

My life rocks.

Oh, and I LOVE SLACKLINING.

The end.

GURL PLEEZE

Someone give me something to do before I really go crazy.

Fine, I will update you.

For the sake of two of my lovely friends - you know who you are - I will give you an update of my life. Because I know you've all been dying to hear it.
So, first things first. ANTM called back, I'm going to LA this weekend, and I have no idea what's going to happen with that. I'm not really expecting or hoping for anything in particular. Right now, it just feels like I'm going to LA for a weekend with my mom, so I'm not nervous. Nerves? Puh-lease.
I love life. It's awesome, this thing we all have. I mean, seriously. What's not to love? Oh, other than the fact that at least two different family members call me every. single. day. But, you know. Such is life. And I really do love it.
I may or may not be diagnosed with a 'syndrome' soon. Keep an eye out, cause I'll let you in on THAT secret soon enough.
And I think that's it, because I lead a relatively boring and uneventful - though marvelous - life.
Oh, and I have the best roommates. No one else compares. Because mine are the best, no battle.

I'm thankful for...

...the mess to clean up after a party

because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

...the taxes I pay

because it means that I'm employed.

...the clothes that fit a little too snug

because it means I have enough to eat.

...my shadow who watches me work

because it means I am out in the sunshine.

...the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot

because it means I am capable of walking.

...all the complaining I hear about our government

because it means we have freedom of speech.

...that lady behind me in church who sings off key

because it means that I can hear.

...lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing

because it means I have a home.

...my huge heating bill

because it means that I am warm.

...weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day

because it means that I have been productive.

...the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours

because it means that I am alive.

There are three kinds of days:

1. Good days,
2. Great days, and
3. Outstanding days.

Legitimacy.

I am going to be in a bridal fashion show this month.
America's Next Top Model called me back.
My little sister asked me to design her prom dress.
This is my 100th post.
I feel so legit.
And, because I feel this way, I have started a fashion blog so I can feel as cool as the other fashion bloggers who actually know what they're talking about, whereas I, in comparison, do not.
But hey, who cares? I'm still pretty awesome.

A Change of Habits.

The decision has been made to eat healthy.
Recipes have been bookmarked. Turkey spinach wraps have been made. Eighty dollars worth of groceries have been bought. Goals have been set. Meals have been eaten.
In an ongoing attempt to feel great about myself, I have done something active every day.
Overall, I feel wonderful. Healthy lifestyles can really do something for you.
And to reward myself, I had a pre-breakfast consisting of three chocolate brownies from the Marketplace.
Thanks for bringing those home, Katie.

Life's Lessons

I found this poem, and I really loved it.

I learn, as the years roll onward

And leave the past behind,

That much I had counted sorrow

But proves that God is kind;

That many a flower I had longed for

Had hidden a thorn of pain,

And many a rugged bypath

Led to fields of ripened grain.

The clouds that cover the sunshine

They can not banish the sun;

And the earth shines out the brighter

When the weary rain is done.

We must stand in the deepest shadow

To see the clearest light;

And often through wrong's own darkness

Comes the very strength of light.

The sweetest rest is at even,

After a wearisome day,

When the heavy burden of labor

Has borne from our hearts away;

And those who have never known sorrow

Can not know the infinite peace

That falls on the troubled spirit

When it sees at least release.

We must live through the dreary winter

If we would value the spring;

And the woods must be cold and silent

Before the robins sing.

The flowers must be buried in darkness

Before they can bud and bloom,

And the sweetest, warmest sunshine

Comes after the storm and gloom.

-UNKNOWN

Different doesn't mean worse.

I feel like updating the world with the newness of my life. I'm keeping most of it on the DL, but I figured I'd share some with my hundreds of dedicated followers.

So I work at a hardware store. And there's a man that works with me whom I am very attracted to. I had a cheesy dream about him last night. We dated, then something happened and he left 'forever', and then he came back some time later and proposed and of course I said yes. Now, keep in mind that I thought this was all really happening. Like, when I woke up, I thought I was dreaming of waking up, not actually waking up. So when it hit me that it was all a dream, I was bummed. I now plan on avoiding eye contact with said person for the rest of the time we work together.

I'm getting a tattoo. Just a small one on my arm, or my wrist. I've been contemplating it for some time, trying to decide if there's anything that's so important to me that I would mark it on my body forever. And, in the past couple days, I've decided there is. And you will all just have to wait and see.

Ari is coming up to Logan tomorrow. I am STOKED. We're going to Lagoon on Wednesday, and, once again, I am STOKED. Am I stoked? YES.

My little brother is seventeen now. It's just unnatural.

I'm planning on buzzing my hair off before I go to Africa. It makes me happy.

I am finally healthy. Not that barely any of you know the story behind that phrase, but for those who do, I'd like you to know that I'm healthy now. Of the million times I've felt like I've overcome it, this feels like the one that will last. I really don't think I'll relapse. Not after everything that has happened. So, to you all, thanks. For helping me through it. Means a lot.

And now, I am going to go hiking.

Kwaheri.

My fabulous news.

Guess what! I'm getting married in Greece. You're all invited.

Allow me to explain.

Some of you may or may not have noticed that, for a while, I was kind of a Debbie Downer. I didn't realize it, but through a few of my posts, you could tell that I was feeling sad. So, for those of you who would like to know why, I want to give an explanation. This is going to sound slightly ridiculous, so bear with me.
It all started with The Hunger Games. I read all three books in one week, and on top of the antisocial lifestyle that caused, the books were also negative and depressing, so they rubbed off on me. Big time. To top it all off, I was missing family vacation, which totally bummed me out. I think, overall, that I was just missing my family. Because when I saw my dad and my friend Chelsey that week, I wasn't sad at all. But the sadness returned when I got back. Honestly, I think it was just my mentality. Happiness is a choice, and therefore so is sadness. I was choosing to see the negative in things. In myself. And then, a few days ago, I thought to myself, 'Why on earth are you acting so pathetic and depressed? You have nothing to be sad about.' And then, I was happy. And I still am. You know why? Because I am alive, and I am loved, and I have so many things going for me. So, there you go.
Love, Me.

I scored a free photoshoot.

CHEESE.

Yes I did. I needed a serious face.

And a laughing picture.

And another serious face.

And another laughing picture.

More cheese, because it's delicious.

FB profile pic, mhmm.

Add caption.

Yup.

Go ahead. Judge away.