Kony 2012

I don't know how to express how important this is. Yes, everyone is shoving this video in your face, but it's for a reason. If you haven't watched it, now's the time. You have 30 minutes. Trust me - it's worth your time, and then you'll join the cause too. Please. If, for nothing else, do it so your kids will be proud of the world we live in, and proud that you were a part of making it better.

Share it.

Corrections.

When I said I went through it all completely alone, I really just meant family-wise. Until I went to college, none of my friends were there for me, either. But I realize now (I have for a while) that I had ample amounts of love and support from everyone who knew. Becca was there for me, and always tried to help, as was Kenzie. Kira listened to every word, made sure I ate enough, and did everything she could to help me get better. Katie, Ari, and Whit never once judged me or looked at me differently, and that's a huge way of helping. So I really have had a large support system, filled with friends who love me. You all are such an important part of this experience, and I had to let you all know.
Thanks. I love you guys.

Oh yeah, and Merry Christmas.

Thursdays, amirite?

I'd like you all to know how much I love and appreciate you. I am aware that I am likely speaking to a probable total of six readers, but those six readers are the best. I really take things in life for granted sometimes - friendships, family, opportunities, privileges, and often life in general. I miss the friendships that I once had but have now been put on hold, for any reason at all. While dining out with a friend yesterday afternoon, I began to speculate about how, unwillingly and almost automatically, I push away from someone once they know a lot about me. This has always been a downfall of mine, because I'm dying inside sometimes just to talk to someone about what I'm feeling, but as soon as I do, it's like I can't stand to know that someone knows my secrets.

As you all know, Kira Horton is one of my best friends. This same thing happened between us our spring semester of college. As soon as I came clean to her about everything behind my eating disorder(which I'm not trying to keep a secret anymore), she was genuinely concerned for my health and safety. I felt so loved, and yet  almost immediately after I told her, I felt like she knew too much. So I pushed away and we lost touch for a while. But, now we're back together, and we will always be besties without testies.

I also think I'd like to share with everyone a bit of what I've been going through for the past four years now. I don't know if I'll regret this, so may as well get it out while I'm feeling brave. While I was a sophomore-turning-junior in high school, I developed an eating disorder. I went from a size 9 pants to size 3, from 156 pounds to 126 pounds within a few months. I lost most of my hair, a lot of my memory, and wreaked havoc on my body. Looking back now, I know that the causes should have been obvious: attention from my parents, thinking they'd notice and want to help; control over the one thing in life I had any say in; having my own huge secret; wanting to feel powerful. And eventually, it became part of my life, a habit, a mindset. There hasn't been a day that's gone by when I don't think about this in some way or another. There's never a time when I'm not still suffering from the consequences of my actions. After being so malnourished, my memory has taken a huge hit. I barely remember names, let alone faces, of people I met merely fifteen minutes ago. My fingers, toes, nose and lips turn purple from randomly being cold. I have to lean against a wall to keep from passing out if I go more than an hour without eating or drinking. This is always on my mind...always. It will never leave me alone, never go away.
For four years, I've dealt with this alone. No therapy. No rehab. Nothing. I lost some of the greatest friendships anyone has ever had because of this disorder, and that was the worst heartbreak I've ever felt. I never got the help from my family that I wanted. One parent claims they noticed everything, knew exactly what was happening the whole time, yet I didn't get any help. Another parent was only recently told about everything this summer, and still, no help offered. Another parent still has no idea. I can't decide which has felt worse: the fact that someone knew and didn't bother to help, or the fact that someone didn't bother to notice.
Going through this alone has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Ever. I still carry resentment toward myself, the friends who abandoned me, and the family who wasn't there. Although it's made me stronger to rely on myself, it's also made it so hard to trust people, even my best friends, the people I love most. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I didn't write this for sympathy, or for attention, or as a cry for help. I'm just tired of keeping this a secret, and I'm hoping that by letting it out in the open, I'll be able to better overcome the parts of if that still block my path. I only hope that you're all there for me, without judgement or pity, and that you all know that I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't a friend to me. I sincerely love every one of my friends. The redheads, the ukulele player, the english major/hawaiian dancer, the snorter, the hannah montana lover in wisconstin, and everyone in between.
I'll be there for anyone who needs it, especially if you're going through what I am. Whether you're a friend or a stranger who just happened upon my blog, you don't have to go through anything alone.

The more you know...

The more you Kohl's.
I hate Kohl's. I work there from six to midnight. More like 12:45 A.M.
It's helped me discover that I am far from a night person. I turn into the grinch once the clock strikes 10.
But! On the upside? I leave for China next month. Finally. It's so close!

Pumpkins.

So I got myself an iPhone. I feel so legit.

According to status updates, today is Thanksgiving. So, in honor of this delicious holiday, I'm going to conform and tell you all what I'm thankful for, because you're obviously all wondering. Right?

1. I've got a family who loves me, even though I tend to eat all of their pumpkin pie.

2. My grandma is donating six hundred dollars to my volunteer trip to China. I almost cried when I found out.

3. I have two jobs that I like. Most of the time.

4. My stepdad laughs at all my jokes. Probably because we have the same nasty sense of humor.

5. Pumpkin anything.

6. Christmas music.

7. Sweaters from the 70's.

8. Frank. He's the best car ever.

9. I have an aunt and a 5-year-old cousin who live in South Jordan, and I'm always welcome there. Except for when they're gone.

10. Twilight movies. Shut up.

11. Medicine that cures colds.

12. I somehow inherited my stepdad's dimples. I've no idea how.

13. Guys, I have the cutest niece. Just saying.

14. I've discovered that I'm pretty talented when it comes to painting nails.

15. Oh, my friends, they all make me so happy. I love them all.

16. Get this - my grandma. You know, the one I always refer to as evil? Turns out she's not evil. She's actually kind of great.

17. I love having short hair. Sometimes I'll miss being able to curl it or braid it, but overall, I'm so glad I cut it. Makes me feel like I stand out.

18. I've had my dog for nearly eleven years now, and she's still my little baby.

19. I'm alive.

"Having a rough morning? Place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That's called purpose. You're alive for a reason. Don't give up."

Don't fall off the couch, you crazy baby.

Sometimes, I look forward to having kids, solely for the reason of believing that I can raise kids much better than some people who actually have kids.
Even people to whom I am related.

There are days.

Sometimes...
I think I'm going insane.


On a completely unrelated note, I miss this guy.